I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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