I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Floor bacon is actually really good
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
