I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
