I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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