Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
