i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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