Ambien. No doubt about it.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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