mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
FUCK WHALES
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
