I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
