People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
