I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Randomize
