Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This is the high leading the old right now
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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