I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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