Heybabeimwearingurpanties
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
