I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
