you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
