I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
