I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
