I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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