dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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