Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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