: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
