My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
