im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize