We won't sleep together?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
