I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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