The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
