Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
