I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
