all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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