turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
