I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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