I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
