just come out here and I will go home with you...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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