If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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