Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
