I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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