She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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