He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
