he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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