i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
