My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize