okay pat passed out under dana's car
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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