if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
