I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
