I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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