Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
