Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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