I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
