my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
