Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
