His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
