While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
