But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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