I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
