Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
did i just pee glitter
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