I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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