I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
