So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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