i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
