Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
