Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He passed out mid-signature
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
