You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize